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Abuse, trauma, and PTSD

Journal Entry: Tue Jan 27, 2015, 4:47 AM
I have been told over the past few decades to pull myself up by my bootstraps (a way for those who don't understand what I have been through to cope with hearing what I have told them). Well over the years I have pulled my preverbal bootstraps up to a point I have done nothing but choke on them. I have been told to "let it go" "get over it", to "move on", or "it's  in the past" or the classic "there are people in this world who have it worse than you". 
at some point in all of our lives we have experienced abuse at the hands or verbal of someone that sticks in our minds. Just when we thought we have felt with the memory or it and thought it was put behind us.. it rears its ugly head again and we sometimes have to start from scratch in dealing with it.
I grew up with abuse and violence, I remember most of it and sad to say my brain still doesn't allow me to remember 100% of all of my childhood so I can face it all. I shove it all away in my brain.. I thought I was fine until 1995 when something happened to me. it tripped my first nervous breakdown and my first time I was ever put on a suicide watch. I didn't even know I was until I woke up the next day and the padre and doctor told me. I hadn't tried to do anything. the previous day I had talked to the padre because just couldn't handle any of it anymore. I talked to him for four hours. by the end of our talk I was dehydrated and exhausted. He talked to my boss and got me the afternoon off to recuperate. I laid down on my camp cot and shortly after he left, I thought I fell asleep. Turns out my body gave out and medics had to bring me back. 
About four days later I got home and I had to finally admit to myself I needed help but I was terrified of where to start. childhood or what happened before I came home. 
I started my first therapy session talking about someone I was related to.. it was my first time talking about them to a stranger and my brain was already on over load, so I just blurted out what my memory allowed. 4 sessions later I could feel myself unravelling even more. This is what I called my emotional levee. I had a good one until 1995, it was a tall wall of mental bricks and cement and granite to help keep my outer self looking somewhat sane. OR at least I thought I did. it didn't crumble and give way in the sessions, I lost my emotional levee when I had talked to that padre. 
So for the next four years I went into counselling just to try and keep my small bit of sanity I had left intact. during those four year someone I knew had brought me to the hospital for another suicide watch. At the time I felt a bit betrayed but I can only at the time that person was trying to do what they thought was right. 
I struggled to educate myself through university courses and getting a college certification in graphic design, I was barely emotionally treading water. So shortly after the 21st century came, I went into therapy again. I was also trying something new at the same time. A long term relationship… it was still in the beginning stages when I started with my new shrink. It was like taking an extreme roller coaster ride both underwater in the pacific ocean and then coming up for air that has been going on 14 years. There have been times I nearly dove off that ride not caring that I would sink to my death or how deeply I was sinking.

since then I have pushed many people out of my life when I finally acknowledged that I needed to take care of myself and try and get through my 40 foot waves of ocean storms. Many didn't like it, especially when I went into my complete honest mode..there are a couple I haven't because I am not mentally ready to take them on yet. 
Dealing with flashbacks is apart of my PTSD, some of them have given me a similar horror trip like Billy Pilgrim in slaughterhouse five. When I came back to current time I was disorientated and felt like my blood vessels wanted to burst my skin apart. 
some of the trauma I went through I have told to maybe three professionals and maybe three friends.

I have claustrophobia for a reason, I was locked in a crawl space against my will. I have a fear of deep dark water because I was pushed underwater to a point I thought I was going to drown. I still have panic attacks in lakes or streams when I can't see the bottom of it. And I still don't like anyone touching my shoulders. I was dragged down stairs by my ankles ( to this day I have sight panic attack when someone touches my ankles), hit with a belt on the back (my back it sensitive to touch to this day), forced to watch someone lose their rage during their eager throw a combustible aerosol can into a lit wood stove which he can exploded in the stove but the stove managed to stay intact ( it was the person rage that I was more afraid of, the can wasn't). I have had a gun (to never know to this day if it was loaded or not..not that that should be the difference or not) put to my head ( oddly this didn't get remember until after the 90's). And then there was the emotional abuse and another kind of abuse. I was also stalked and I was almost abducted.. there was more emotional abuse after that.. I know I maybe a bit cryptic on who and when but I still dealing with the fact it all happened mostly by one person. This happened in the 70's and 80's. 
The 90's was a stage of emotional growth and awakening and more trauma that only in the past couple of years I have been more or less ready to deal with. almost two years ago I started therapy to deal with what happened almost 20 years ago (I can't believe it has been that long ago). 

My emotional levee, no matter how many times I tried to rebuild it to keep from being hurt by others it doesn't have the strength to stay in place anymore. 
So I feel every emotion, I can't not. writing this whole thing was a big twist in my gut.

this doesn't cover everything horrible that has happened to me. sometimes I write it my poetry and sometimes I try to draw it (not in portrait form). 
Here's the kick, after all of this, all of those times I applied for U.N. tours, I knew that if I had the chance to go.. I knew I could handle it and keep myself together while on tour. Knowing what a couple of friends have been through I knew I could handle being there for them. just having someone to listen to them, helps in small ways. It helped me at times.


  • Mood: Hurt
  • Listening to: classical
  • Reading: Code zero by Jonathan Maberry
  • Drinking: water
Robin Williams by arwenpandora
Robin Williams
Robin Williams in the movie Good Will hunting, "Your move chief"
Loading...
just to inform people.. give a llama to others who don't have one.. nifty little one time gifts to let the artists know that they are liked.. 
:iconllama---for---llama:
so when you go to someones page and they don't have a llama yet.. go give them one.. spread the the llama love around.. hug your llama.. Llama jump :petllama: 

Mental Illness

Journal Entry: Wed Aug 13, 2014, 12:51 AM


I don't know the statistics of how many people on the planet have mental illness in its various forms.. I do know how it has affected me and those around me.
As a kid growing up in a home that most days was the equivalent of walk softly around land mines…mental and physical abuse was there. I had most of this locked in a buried box somewhere in my brain until I was about 24. That was when I had my first mental breakdown. I was taking painkillers to help me sleep and to get through the day, I would sometimes drink alcohol when I was around others ( excessive amounts one particular night that turned bad enough that I may never get into the details here yet). When I got home, I went to talk to a shrink fro the first time. THe first breakdown was my first time I allowed all of the traumas of my childhood and teenage years to be told. the first of many memories that turned into a never ending tidal wave. My mental levee broke, that barrier was holding back all of the early worst things that had happened to me.  I told a Padre some of it, but I never told him what trigger it all to come flood back. I was terrified of acknowledging it anyone.. including myself.
After I left the Army, I needed to find something that would help me understand what was wrong with me.  That was 1996. I have been in therapy on and off ever since. It was about 2006 that was when I started finding out what some of my mental illnesses were.. yes apparently a person can have more than one. My main one is PTSD. The others I will talk about later. This is a lot for me to admit to and I feel fragile enough right now.

The big problem with most mental illnesses is that there is sometimes a risk of suicide. I having been battling it for almost two decades now. I am grateful to the few people I kept around me who didn't judge me or force their opinions of how I should deal with it all. They did their best.

I have been reading most of what has been said about Robin Williams the past couple of days. I didn't know him but his death broke my heart. I grew up watching his tv shows and movies and some of his standup. I will miss him. Not many helped me laugh in my life ( I am grateful to those who have) and he is one of the few  people I wish I had met. 
I read some of the comments about Robin Williams.. most of them were nice but the some were nasty. the nasty ones were condemning Mr. Williams for his suicide. Shame on them for their lack of empathy and lack of understanding of how mental illness takes away hope and tosses you into a dark abyss. Some can find their way out again. how we deal with mental illness and how it deeply affects those who deal with it inside their brains everyday and every night. 
So if you know someone who is going through their own personal hell, be a good listener, if they want advice, give it gently and if you want to do more.. don't push. No you don't have to walk on eggshells around most of us. just remember that we have our limits, some of us have our routines, just remember that something may happen to you one day that causes some form of mental illness and you will be glad that you have people around you who know what it is like and will understand. 

We Miss you Robin Williams. thank you for helping us laugh, and smile… this world needed it badly and your work will hopefully continue doing that for generations to come.  :rose: :rose: :hug: Tears 


  • Mood: Miserable
  • Listening to: classical
  • Reading: extinction machine by Jonathan Maberry
  • Drinking: water

Abuse, trauma, and PTSD

Journal Entry: Tue Jan 27, 2015, 4:47 AM
I have been told over the past few decades to pull myself up by my bootstraps (a way for those who don't understand what I have been through to cope with hearing what I have told them). Well over the years I have pulled my preverbal bootstraps up to a point I have done nothing but choke on them. I have been told to "let it go" "get over it", to "move on", or "it's  in the past" or the classic "there are people in this world who have it worse than you". 
at some point in all of our lives we have experienced abuse at the hands or verbal of someone that sticks in our minds. Just when we thought we have felt with the memory or it and thought it was put behind us.. it rears its ugly head again and we sometimes have to start from scratch in dealing with it.
I grew up with abuse and violence, I remember most of it and sad to say my brain still doesn't allow me to remember 100% of all of my childhood so I can face it all. I shove it all away in my brain.. I thought I was fine until 1995 when something happened to me. it tripped my first nervous breakdown and my first time I was ever put on a suicide watch. I didn't even know I was until I woke up the next day and the padre and doctor told me. I hadn't tried to do anything. the previous day I had talked to the padre because just couldn't handle any of it anymore. I talked to him for four hours. by the end of our talk I was dehydrated and exhausted. He talked to my boss and got me the afternoon off to recuperate. I laid down on my camp cot and shortly after he left, I thought I fell asleep. Turns out my body gave out and medics had to bring me back. 
About four days later I got home and I had to finally admit to myself I needed help but I was terrified of where to start. childhood or what happened before I came home. 
I started my first therapy session talking about someone I was related to.. it was my first time talking about them to a stranger and my brain was already on over load, so I just blurted out what my memory allowed. 4 sessions later I could feel myself unravelling even more. This is what I called my emotional levee. I had a good one until 1995, it was a tall wall of mental bricks and cement and granite to help keep my outer self looking somewhat sane. OR at least I thought I did. it didn't crumble and give way in the sessions, I lost my emotional levee when I had talked to that padre. 
So for the next four years I went into counselling just to try and keep my small bit of sanity I had left intact. during those four year someone I knew had brought me to the hospital for another suicide watch. At the time I felt a bit betrayed but I can only at the time that person was trying to do what they thought was right. 
I struggled to educate myself through university courses and getting a college certification in graphic design, I was barely emotionally treading water. So shortly after the 21st century came, I went into therapy again. I was also trying something new at the same time. A long term relationship… it was still in the beginning stages when I started with my new shrink. It was like taking an extreme roller coaster ride both underwater in the pacific ocean and then coming up for air that has been going on 14 years. There have been times I nearly dove off that ride not caring that I would sink to my death or how deeply I was sinking.

since then I have pushed many people out of my life when I finally acknowledged that I needed to take care of myself and try and get through my 40 foot waves of ocean storms. Many didn't like it, especially when I went into my complete honest mode..there are a couple I haven't because I am not mentally ready to take them on yet. 
Dealing with flashbacks is apart of my PTSD, some of them have given me a similar horror trip like Billy Pilgrim in slaughterhouse five. When I came back to current time I was disorientated and felt like my blood vessels wanted to burst my skin apart. 
some of the trauma I went through I have told to maybe three professionals and maybe three friends.

I have claustrophobia for a reason, I was locked in a crawl space against my will. I have a fear of deep dark water because I was pushed underwater to a point I thought I was going to drown. I still have panic attacks in lakes or streams when I can't see the bottom of it. And I still don't like anyone touching my shoulders. I was dragged down stairs by my ankles ( to this day I have sight panic attack when someone touches my ankles), hit with a belt on the back (my back it sensitive to touch to this day), forced to watch someone lose their rage during their eager throw a combustible aerosol can into a lit wood stove which he can exploded in the stove but the stove managed to stay intact ( it was the person rage that I was more afraid of, the can wasn't). I have had a gun (to never know to this day if it was loaded or not..not that that should be the difference or not) put to my head ( oddly this didn't get remember until after the 90's). And then there was the emotional abuse and another kind of abuse. I was also stalked and I was almost abducted.. there was more emotional abuse after that.. I know I maybe a bit cryptic on who and when but I still dealing with the fact it all happened mostly by one person. This happened in the 70's and 80's. 
The 90's was a stage of emotional growth and awakening and more trauma that only in the past couple of years I have been more or less ready to deal with. almost two years ago I started therapy to deal with what happened almost 20 years ago (I can't believe it has been that long ago). 

My emotional levee, no matter how many times I tried to rebuild it to keep from being hurt by others it doesn't have the strength to stay in place anymore. 
So I feel every emotion, I can't not. writing this whole thing was a big twist in my gut.

this doesn't cover everything horrible that has happened to me. sometimes I write it my poetry and sometimes I try to draw it (not in portrait form). 
Here's the kick, after all of this, all of those times I applied for U.N. tours, I knew that if I had the chance to go.. I knew I could handle it and keep myself together while on tour. Knowing what a couple of friends have been through I knew I could handle being there for them. just having someone to listen to them, helps in small ways. It helped me at times.


  • Mood: Hurt
  • Listening to: classical
  • Reading: Code zero by Jonathan Maberry
  • Drinking: water

deviantID

arwenpandora
shelly pardy
Artist | Professional | Traditional Art
Canada
First I want to thank :iconthenavigator: for letting me use one of artworks. GO cheek out his work thenavigator.deviantart.com/ga… of non fella work and his :iconfella-avitars: work :glomp:

And what the hell do you want to know about me.. it was an ugly start that took the first 27 years of my life to finally have a much deserved nervous breakdown and now at 38 I am stabilizing my jitters in a theorpuktic professional manner..

Current Age: 40, deviantWEAR sizing preference: Xlarge, Favourite photographer: see artists, Operating System: my electronic paperweight, Shell of choice: the one I go into when I don't feel like being social, Skin of choice: perferably my own, Personal Quote: Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Dear Buddha, please bring me a pony and a little plastic rocket...
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Comments


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:iconlalisdrawpict:
LalisDrawPict Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hey thanks so much for the llama! :icondragoncryingplz: And I like your drawing! :D
Reply
:iconarwenpandora:
arwenpandora Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
you are welcome for the llama.. :)
Reply
:icondreaming-of-serenity:
dreaming-of-serenity Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
:iconcheerplz::iconbummyplz::iconsomeconfettiplz::iconbummiesplz::icondevwatchplz::iconbummiesplz::iconsomeconfettiplz::iconbummyplz::iconcheerplz:
Reply
:iconarwenpandora:
arwenpandora Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
:giggle: you're welcome. 
Reply
:iconfaerietopia:
Faerietopia Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2014  Professional General Artist
Thank you for adding my - fans herself - Erebor's Eve to your favorites!!! Love Love Love 
Reply
:iconarwenpandora:
arwenpandora Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
you're welcome. :)
Reply
:iconfaerietopia:
Faerietopia Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2014  Professional General Artist
Thank you for the llama !!! 
Reply
:iconarwenpandora:
arwenpandora Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
I wish I do more. Sad Emote 
Reply
:icondreaming-of-serenity:
dreaming-of-serenity Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
:iconbouncyplz::iconsuperlaplz::iconpineappletardplz::iconweekenddanceplz::iconcheerplz::iconballoonsplz::iconhappybirthdaysignplz::iconballoonsplz::iconcheerplz::iconweekenddanceplz::iconpineappletardplz::iconsuperlaplz::iconbouncyplz:
Reply
:iconarwenpandora:
arwenpandora Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
:) thank you for the pineapple dance troop of happy birthday… 

how did you find me?
Reply
:icondreaming-of-serenity:
dreaming-of-serenity Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
You were listed on da birthday's, so I wished you a happy birthday and you're quite welcome :aww:
Reply
:iconfaerietopia:
Faerietopia Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2014  Professional General Artist
birthday cake fella's Gobbler (Party) fella Gift (Party) Blower fella (Party) birthdAy '09 fella (Badges) Happy Birth Day Fella (messages) Sprinkle Pop birthday 
Reply
:iconarwenpandora:
arwenpandora Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
Thank you :iconfaerietopia: for the fella birthday brigade.. :glomp:
Reply
:iconfaerietopia:
Faerietopia Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2014  Professional General Artist
You're welcome, sweetie :D
Reply
:iconjasperinity:
Jasperinity Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2014
Happy birthday! :D
Reply
:iconarwenpandora:
arwenpandora Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
thank you :)
Reply
:iconjasperinity:
Jasperinity Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2014
You're welcome! :3
Reply
:iconbirthdays:
birthdays Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2014
:woohoo: :party: :iconcakelickplz: !!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!! :iconcakelickplz: :party: :woohoo:

It's November 5th which means it's that time of the year again and your special day is here! We  hope you have an awesome day with lots of birthday fun, gifts, happiness and most definitely, lots of cake! Here's  to another year!

:cake: Happy Birthday Godliek :D by elicoronel16  Lily Wishing a Happy Birthday by spring-sky  Happy Birthday, whitemajic by AitamiIkimo  happybirthday purpledinosaurX3 by person4113

:iconchampagneplz: Many well wishes and love from your friendly birthdays team :love: :iconchampagneplz:

Happy Birthday Banner 2 by Momma--G

---
Birthdays Team
This birthday greeting was brought to you by: LDFranklin
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:iconarwenpandora:
arwenpandora Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
thanks bys. :hug:
Reply
:iconwreck-itralph:
Wreck-ItRalph Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:iconfaggedblackplz::iconfaggedblackplz::iconfaggedblackplz::iconfaggedblackplz::iconfaggedblackplz::iconfaggedblackplz::iconfaggedblackplz::iconfaggedblackplz::iconfaggedblackplz::iconfaggedblackplz::iconfaggedblackplz:
     :iconthecakeisalieplz:    :iconballoonsplz:  :iconletter-hplz: :iconletter-aplz: :iconletter-pplz: :iconletter-pplz: :iconletter-yplz:  :iconballoonsplz2:   :iconthecakeisalieplz:
     :party: :iconletter-bplz: :iconletter-iplz: :iconletter-rplz: :iconletter-tplz: :iconletter-hplz: :iconletter-dplz: :iconletter-aplz: :iconletter-yplz: :party:
:iconhappybirthdaysignplz: :iconpresentplz::iconbonklers::iconpineappletardplz::iconbummiesplz::iconlaplayplz::iconladrumplz::iconlabeatplz::iconballoonplz::iconpresentplz: :iconhappybirthday2plz:
:iconfaggedblackplz::iconfaggedblackplz::iconfaggedblackplz::iconfaggedblackplz::iconfaggedblackplz::iconfaggedblackplz::iconfaggedblackplz::iconfaggedblackplz::iconfaggedblackplz::iconfaggedblackplz::iconfaggedblackplz:
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:iconremonberkers:
RemonBerkers Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2014  Professional Photographer
great works here
Reply
:iconarwenpandora:
arwenpandora Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
Thank you :bow:
Reply
:iconluceene-k:
luceene-k Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
thanks so much for the fav + watch! :D
Reply
:iconarwenpandora:
arwenpandora Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
you're welcome :) brilliant work. 
Reply
:iconilko94:
Ilko94 Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks a lot for faving my work! ;)
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